Through the Glass Dimly

I remember laying on my twin sized bed in my college apartment, in tears, wondering how I would be able to afford a wedding dress to get married in.  I honestly thought I might not be able to have a wedding dress. Of course I got married in this amazingly beautiful dress that was super unique and completely me, unlike the other 5000 dresses I looked at and disliked. And I found it about 60% off, and it fit me like a glove, other than needing to be taken up, as it was a little too long. I had a song, which is written about my favourite passage of scripture, played at our wedding by my wonderfully talented brother, because of how I doubt God sometimes, and how silly that is, because I've always been provided for in ways that from time to time have blown my mind. I wanted that song to be our theme song for our marriage, and the first year of our marriage proved that it was. I look out the window the birds are composing    Not a note is out of tune or out of ...

This has been an unusual week. We live in the basement suite of a house. Over the last month of living here, I've been irritated on numerous occasions with the tenants above us who have yelling matches and frequently make use of the "F-bomb" during said yelling matches. Not good when you have a one year old learning to speak. And also not good when you are trying to get a baby to nap during the day. I had just imagined that we would probably move out at the end of our 6 month lease because of this (although we love the basement suite-its quite cute!), but last weekend we found out that these loud tenants would be moving out. They are an odd pair of roommates. A woman who seemed to be in her late 50's, who most obviously has lived a hard life, and a man who appeared to be in his mid 40's. The man had a bad temper, and the woman was always peaking out her windows in, what was to me, an I-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye creepy kind of manner. I never actually met either o...

I suddenly awoke to my heart beat sky rocketing. It was literally 180-200 beats per minute. I hadn't had a bad dream. I wasn't extra stressed about anything in life. I was 25, 9 months into a brand new marriage, and was living in Houston, Texas surrounded by good art. That morning changed everything. My husband called an ambulance and the paramedics came. I laid on my couch in my living room while they struggled to find a vein to start my IV. Finally, after 5 attempts the iv was in. As I searched for my husbands face and held his hand I was told they were going ton push a drug that would cause my heart rate to beat normally. My heart was still pounding 180-210 per minute, and was extremely irregular. My chest was beginning to ache from my heart working so hard. "This is going to feel really weird" they told me, as I grasped Josh's hand so tightly and stared into his eyes. And with that they pushed this medicine that made my veins feel greasy, made my heart f...

I don't write because I don't think I have anything brilliant to say. I don't create because I don't think I will make the greatest piece of artwork ever made. And I did not write this because its brilliant (it most definitely is not), but because writing has a kind of therapeutic value for me. I always felt like I had something to say before, but I'm in a new stage of life... a stage where I know very little about anything. You can always know that your life is going to change dramatically whenever you get to a point where you think you have things figured out. You think you have the puzzle pieces that make everything make sense. I remember wanting this. Desiring to be a wife and stay at home mom so badly. I remember my sister saying something like, "Shouldn't you aspire to be something greater?" I was so mad. So now this is my life. Its funny how 10 years changes you as a person. How different I am now from when I was 17 and in high school,...

I'm pretty sure this song will forever remind me of this pregnancy. I listened to it so much when I was first pregnant, driving to work and feeling oh so nauseous. I heard it again last Sunday morning, on the way to church, and it meant so much more to me then. Since Josh isn't legally able to work right now, and I was put on modified bed rest just a few days previous to said Sunday morning, I was struggling in my spirit. I don't want to complain about how bad I have it. I am blessed. However humbling it may be, it is pure grace that we are able to live at my sweet and generous parents home right now. I could just as easily be out on the street this very moment, but I am blessed with a roof over my head, and food to eat, though I will not say that it is easy to live like this. Wondering how we will pay bills, and whether we will have what we need for Ellie when she arrives. Needless to say, this is not the position that I had dreamed of when I thought of ...

Remember how when you were three years old it really made you feel like your daddy loved you when he let you climb up into his lap and just rest there? Or how you really knew your mommy loved you when she saw you watching her with awe whilst she put her makeup on, and she dabbed just a smidge on your cheeks? As children we saw that our parents loved us when we got a brand new pretty pink dress instead of a hand-me-down, or that brand new Safari Barbie Doll we wanted oh so much. But even then, as children, we did not think about how our parents loved us with everything they did, including the difficult things, like not allowing us to go to that school party that was on Sunday because it was better for us to go to church than to do cool fun things with our friends, or giving us the hand-me-down clothes so they could provide us with other good things like food to eat. I've been thinking about the love of God a lot for the past few weeks, and how sometimes its a comfortable kind of ...

I remember once, in passing, telling my sister how I enjoy that the verse says neither death nor LIFE can separate us from the love of God. I love the bit about life not being able to separate us from the love of God, because so many many times I feel like life really gets in the way. I get feeling bogged down. I return to the wilderness with those whiny Israelites, complaining that, while I have miracle bread that falls from the sky each morning to feed me, I lack meat to eat. There is always something to complain about. I've felt agitated all day long. Wondering why things have to be difficult and why I seem to have to struggle all the time. Part of me knew, in all my soul's murmurings and whinings, that I was in error. Then I read this: "The love of the Lord."—Hosea 3:1. "BELIEVER, look back through all thine experience, and think of the way whereby the Lord thy God has led thee in the wilderness, and how He hath fed and clothed thee every day—how He hat...

I was reading back over an old blog and read this post from February 2008. Its funny how God comforts us through our own words sometimes. No wonder the old testament is filled with the advice to look back to the days of old, and see what God did for you then. Only then, are we able to see what He might be doing in us and through us now. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did: YWH is my Shepherd I shall not want He makes me lie down in green pastures He leads me beside waters of rest He restores my soul He guides me in paths of righteousness For His names sake Even though I walk through the valley of deep deep darkness I fear no evil For You are with me I am comforted by your rod and staff --I was studying the literal Hebrew translations in this famous passage last night, and found that I like the alternative translations that I found.... waters of rest, and deep deep darkness. A passage that is so widely known that it almost has lost its meaning for those that have heard it over a...