I suddenly awoke to my heart beat sky rocketing. It was literally 180-200 beats per minute. I hadn't had a bad dream. I wasn't extra stressed about anything in life. I was 25, 9 months into a brand new marriage, and was living in Houston, Texas surrounded by good art.
That morning changed everything.
My husband called an ambulance and the paramedics came. I laid on my couch in my living room while they struggled to find a vein to start my IV. Finally, after 5 attempts the iv was in. As I searched for my husbands face and held his hand I was told they were going ton push a drug that would cause my heart rate to beat normally. My heart was still pounding 180-210 per minute, and was extremely irregular. My chest was beginning to ache from my heart working so hard.
"This is going to feel really weird" they told me, as I grasped Josh's hand so tightly and stared into his eyes. And with that they pushed this medicine that made my veins feel greasy, made my heart feel tight, and suddenly within about forty seconds my heart slowed back down to 85. They loaded me up onto the ambulance, and I had Josh call work and tell them I wouldn't be able to make it in, as I was headed to Methodist Hospital for tests.
I felt tired, and oddly calm, as I always felt after an episode of supraventricular tachycardia. They wheeled me into the hospital. The paramedics, Josh, and I talked about places to eat. Sushi. One paramedic told us we needed to go to Blue Fish House Sushi. Then he asked me how it felt when the adenosine was pushed into my system. "Like death," I told him.
He then told me that the adenosine had stopped my heart and restarted it.
After that explanation I was changed somehow. Post traumatic stress is what I believe was the case. And from that moment on for the next several months, I could not calm down enough to make it through a complete meal, I could not make it through a low-action comedy movie (my husband knew not to even try to make me watch something high action), and I struggled daily to make it through work, which a few times I couldn't even do.
To make matters worse, my family doctor read my thyroid test results incorrectly, and instead of increasing the medicine I needed for that, he decreased it, and was planning on taking me off of it completely.
We also were living in a state whose medical coverage is next to impossible to get into if you have a "Pre-Existing Condition", and so we had little coverage.
Over the next 3 months, each month I went to the emergency room, wracking up a debt of about 10,000 dollars between tests and hospital bills and follow up doctors appointments.
A few nights ago, I lay in bed thinking about all of this. Telling my husband that I couldn't get my mind around all of what happened. I have this constant fear that I feel I will forever live with because of what I went through--will my heart stop beating? Will I have a sudden heart attack, and die? Will I have a stroke? All of these unreasonable fears have haunted me almost every day for two years... and they are unreasonable. By the grace of God, I was born in Canada, although I feel very much American, having spent most of my life in the states. We were able to move to my family's home town, and within 3 months I had the heart procedure done that cured me of my heart problem. Instead of paying the 27,000 dollars for the procedure, as I would have in Texas, I paid nothing. And I am fine. Its been a year and a half since the procedure. But I still live with so much fear and worry.
And so my wise, wonderful, loving husband laid next to me, about 5 inches from my tear streaked face saying, "Is there nothing good that came out of those hard times?" As I shook my head with tears in my eyes he looked at me lovingly, and ever gently correcting me, began pouring into my heart and mind the good that our good and gracious heavenly Father has brought into our life and marriage through the past difficult two years. With tear-filled eyes, I blinked as he reminded me of how tight knit and close our marriage has become through all of it. How we have a beautiful daughter that would probably not exist had we not been through the circumstances we went through. And he said, "Would you trade any of those things for an easier time?" And through my blinks and tears I shook my head and whispered like a child, "Of course not."
Fear has been something I've struggled with. And I've come to realize that part of it was that I had stopped trusting God... that I'd been thrown into a pit of debt and health problems, and worry with no way out, and He wanted me there. But that is never the case. Joseph said to his brothers who had wronged him,"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20) God intended all of that for my good. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I read this today:
And my good God is just that. He is good. He has a bright future for me, although my mind constantly (and ashamedly) turn back to dark memories and dark thoughts. He is causing those memories to turn bright. He is changing me from the inside out. Always loving me. And He often has to come to me in those moments when I am fearful, flooding my heart and mind with His words, reminiscent of my own dear husband whispering 5 inches from my tear streaked face,
That morning changed everything.
My husband called an ambulance and the paramedics came. I laid on my couch in my living room while they struggled to find a vein to start my IV. Finally, after 5 attempts the iv was in. As I searched for my husbands face and held his hand I was told they were going ton push a drug that would cause my heart rate to beat normally. My heart was still pounding 180-210 per minute, and was extremely irregular. My chest was beginning to ache from my heart working so hard.
"This is going to feel really weird" they told me, as I grasped Josh's hand so tightly and stared into his eyes. And with that they pushed this medicine that made my veins feel greasy, made my heart feel tight, and suddenly within about forty seconds my heart slowed back down to 85. They loaded me up onto the ambulance, and I had Josh call work and tell them I wouldn't be able to make it in, as I was headed to Methodist Hospital for tests.
I felt tired, and oddly calm, as I always felt after an episode of supraventricular tachycardia. They wheeled me into the hospital. The paramedics, Josh, and I talked about places to eat. Sushi. One paramedic told us we needed to go to Blue Fish House Sushi. Then he asked me how it felt when the adenosine was pushed into my system. "Like death," I told him.
He then told me that the adenosine had stopped my heart and restarted it.
After that explanation I was changed somehow. Post traumatic stress is what I believe was the case. And from that moment on for the next several months, I could not calm down enough to make it through a complete meal, I could not make it through a low-action comedy movie (my husband knew not to even try to make me watch something high action), and I struggled daily to make it through work, which a few times I couldn't even do.
To make matters worse, my family doctor read my thyroid test results incorrectly, and instead of increasing the medicine I needed for that, he decreased it, and was planning on taking me off of it completely.
We also were living in a state whose medical coverage is next to impossible to get into if you have a "Pre-Existing Condition", and so we had little coverage.
Over the next 3 months, each month I went to the emergency room, wracking up a debt of about 10,000 dollars between tests and hospital bills and follow up doctors appointments.
A few nights ago, I lay in bed thinking about all of this. Telling my husband that I couldn't get my mind around all of what happened. I have this constant fear that I feel I will forever live with because of what I went through--will my heart stop beating? Will I have a sudden heart attack, and die? Will I have a stroke? All of these unreasonable fears have haunted me almost every day for two years... and they are unreasonable. By the grace of God, I was born in Canada, although I feel very much American, having spent most of my life in the states. We were able to move to my family's home town, and within 3 months I had the heart procedure done that cured me of my heart problem. Instead of paying the 27,000 dollars for the procedure, as I would have in Texas, I paid nothing. And I am fine. Its been a year and a half since the procedure. But I still live with so much fear and worry.
And so my wise, wonderful, loving husband laid next to me, about 5 inches from my tear streaked face saying, "Is there nothing good that came out of those hard times?" As I shook my head with tears in my eyes he looked at me lovingly, and ever gently correcting me, began pouring into my heart and mind the good that our good and gracious heavenly Father has brought into our life and marriage through the past difficult two years. With tear-filled eyes, I blinked as he reminded me of how tight knit and close our marriage has become through all of it. How we have a beautiful daughter that would probably not exist had we not been through the circumstances we went through. And he said, "Would you trade any of those things for an easier time?" And through my blinks and tears I shook my head and whispered like a child, "Of course not."
Fear has been something I've struggled with. And I've come to realize that part of it was that I had stopped trusting God... that I'd been thrown into a pit of debt and health problems, and worry with no way out, and He wanted me there. But that is never the case. Joseph said to his brothers who had wronged him,"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20) God intended all of that for my good. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I read this today:
If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren't picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up."I know that God cannot--does not--wrong His children. He can't. Inconceivably holy, God cannot sin. He is unapproachable Light, and He has no dark side."--Beth Moore
And my good God is just that. He is good. He has a bright future for me, although my mind constantly (and ashamedly) turn back to dark memories and dark thoughts. He is causing those memories to turn bright. He is changing me from the inside out. Always loving me. And He often has to come to me in those moments when I am fearful, flooding my heart and mind with His words, reminiscent of my own dear husband whispering 5 inches from my tear streaked face,
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I love this.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It was difficult to write.
ReplyDeleteYour blog and family fill my heart with tears and joy and hope! The Old Testament is great because it's stories of those who've gone before and faced fear, sin, struggle, and death. And through it all found God, or God proved Himself rather, as sufficient and enough. More saints should share there stories like this, they encourage the body to find Christ as greater!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement Jarrot!
ReplyDeleteWe always need to remember that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and a sound mind". II Timothy 1:7 - Speak His Word and remind the enemy (Satan) that he has no authority over you because you have been washed in the blood of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI have had to be reminded of that scripture many times. I am always here to pray with you.
Love Mom
its crazy how there is something eerily holy about dark situations that involves life or death. i guess in those moments we are humbled to the lowest possible place by the realization that another is in charge of our lives, our every breath and every heartbeat- the false control is gone and we are at the mercy of our God. its hard to see how "our good" is being worked out but it helps to look back on other similar moments and remember the grace and faithfulness of God. thanks for sharing at as i walk through a "dark providence." love you.
ReplyDeleteSo true, Ashley. Love you. Praying for you.
ReplyDelete