I have not blogged in a long time. That's what everyone with a blog says when they write a blog after taking a long departure from the blogosphere.
So what have I been doing?
The part that stuck out mostly to me was that to run a successful photography business you really need to know yourself, because you have to market yourself. I've been really struggling with this lately because in such a super saturated industry, why would someone want to pay me to do something that I love to do? And then I realized something.
You have to know yourself to do good work, and while I do know myself.... I have come to the realization that I suppress who I am. I like to hide who I am because I want to make people happy. I feel like part of me will innately make people unhappy.
Its been a difficult few days. And I realize that its been so difficult because of this issue I have. Wanting to make people happy all the time.
Josh and I baptized Elizabeth yesterday at our United Reformed Church. It was a joyous event... that I wasn't exactly happy about. And the reason I wasn't happy was that I knew I was making other people, whom I love so very much, very unhappy. I feel so convicted saying that I wasn't only thrilled about the event, because I stand by my beliefs and my studies of scripture and I know what we did was right in the eyes of the Lord. Above all else I want to do what is right and good and what my God has told me I should do. I want to stand firm in my convictions and not waver.
So has my desire to make those I love happy become an idol in my life? Possibly. Although sometimes to do the right thing you have to be uncomfortable.
And so this one great even that occurred yesterday, has helped me to see that I must know myself and allow myself to be known.
When I was in high school, through much prayer and study of scripture, I found that my theology didn't completely match up with my family's. We still very much believed in the same Jesus and the foundation of our faith was still the same. But there was much struggle involved in this. Many tears. Many tense conversations. And I have always felt like the black sheep of the family since this occurred. What I call "My Reformation".
And so with this reformation, I came alive in one area of my life. The scriptures became so vivid and living. My thirst for God had never ever been so great. I could not get enough of finding out who this Living God was. My heart was full and I was so hungry for the LORD. To know Him and Him alone was my one desire.
In another area, my family life, I felt guilty, and like the bad child. While I felt such a great joy to know God, I also felt ashamed. The desire to not hurt my family and to not cause any more rifts within our happy unit made me close up that area of my life to them.
I've done a pretty good job at hiding my differing views of scripture. If a "good job" is a good job... but has it been more deceitful than good?
Well this weekend, with my baby girl's baptism, I could not hide. I wondered if the best way to handle the situation was to just not tell anyone in my family what we were doing. I had wanted to baptize Ellie after we had moved into "Tiny House" next month, but it worked out that 20 days prior to this move was the best day for the church to do it. So I considered changing Ellie into her pretty white baptism dress at church.... and I knew that was really a deceitful thing to do. My dear husband encouraged me to tell my parents and to invite them to be a part of it, and so that is what I did. And my wonderful parents did come, and it was a blessing to have them there. In order to not cause a fight or make someone uncomfortable I have hidden my beliefs. In my own family, among my friends.
So what have I been doing?
- Learning how to be a mommy. Ellie turned 4 months old last week, and was baptized yesterday!!! I feel sooo blessed to be called her mother, and she thrills my soul.
- Trying to jump start my photography business. Being on maternity leave is really giving me the opportunity to figure out what I really want in life, and that is to be a mommy/wife, create, write, and cook. I remember falling in love with photography long ago, and I am rediscovering my old love. There is so much to start a business its a bit overwhelming, but I pray the Lord directs each of my steps on this attempt and that I don't get so busy that I become a bad mommy.
The part that stuck out mostly to me was that to run a successful photography business you really need to know yourself, because you have to market yourself. I've been really struggling with this lately because in such a super saturated industry, why would someone want to pay me to do something that I love to do? And then I realized something.
You have to know yourself to do good work, and while I do know myself.... I have come to the realization that I suppress who I am. I like to hide who I am because I want to make people happy. I feel like part of me will innately make people unhappy.
Its been a difficult few days. And I realize that its been so difficult because of this issue I have. Wanting to make people happy all the time.
Josh and I baptized Elizabeth yesterday at our United Reformed Church. It was a joyous event... that I wasn't exactly happy about. And the reason I wasn't happy was that I knew I was making other people, whom I love so very much, very unhappy. I feel so convicted saying that I wasn't only thrilled about the event, because I stand by my beliefs and my studies of scripture and I know what we did was right in the eyes of the Lord. Above all else I want to do what is right and good and what my God has told me I should do. I want to stand firm in my convictions and not waver.
So has my desire to make those I love happy become an idol in my life? Possibly. Although sometimes to do the right thing you have to be uncomfortable.
And so this one great even that occurred yesterday, has helped me to see that I must know myself and allow myself to be known.
When I was in high school, through much prayer and study of scripture, I found that my theology didn't completely match up with my family's. We still very much believed in the same Jesus and the foundation of our faith was still the same. But there was much struggle involved in this. Many tears. Many tense conversations. And I have always felt like the black sheep of the family since this occurred. What I call "My Reformation".
And so with this reformation, I came alive in one area of my life. The scriptures became so vivid and living. My thirst for God had never ever been so great. I could not get enough of finding out who this Living God was. My heart was full and I was so hungry for the LORD. To know Him and Him alone was my one desire.
In another area, my family life, I felt guilty, and like the bad child. While I felt such a great joy to know God, I also felt ashamed. The desire to not hurt my family and to not cause any more rifts within our happy unit made me close up that area of my life to them.
I've done a pretty good job at hiding my differing views of scripture. If a "good job" is a good job... but has it been more deceitful than good?
Well this weekend, with my baby girl's baptism, I could not hide. I wondered if the best way to handle the situation was to just not tell anyone in my family what we were doing. I had wanted to baptize Ellie after we had moved into "Tiny House" next month, but it worked out that 20 days prior to this move was the best day for the church to do it. So I considered changing Ellie into her pretty white baptism dress at church.... and I knew that was really a deceitful thing to do. My dear husband encouraged me to tell my parents and to invite them to be a part of it, and so that is what I did. And my wonderful parents did come, and it was a blessing to have them there. In order to not cause a fight or make someone uncomfortable I have hidden my beliefs. In my own family, among my friends.
Matthew chapter 5 says, "14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."I'm done hiding. I need to be who I was made to be.
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