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A Shift

“The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing.  These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory
As humans we become obsessed with "What our life is supposed to look like". We imagine our lives will be beautiful and fragrant... and when it's not what we expected... we feel heart broken... or when it is more than what we could have hoped for... It's beauty becomes an idol... When our longings become self focused... the danger begins.

When I was in university... first I thought, "I will be a high school art teacher. I will teach students and I will make conceptual art work that the world will never see because it will be just for me. A way to express myself."

In my second semester I took photography, as one of the courses that was mandatory for all art teachers. So I fell... head over heals in love with it... so much so that I decided all I really wanted to be was a conceptual artist in the field of photography.

And I remember specifically believing, "I will never be a wedding photographer. If I did that I would be a sell-out..."

Four years later, my photography degree was actually allowing me to make a living supporting my family... doing an art related field! Thus... wedding photographer...

Let's go back to before that... after I graduated... but before my photography took off, I decided... "I will not be a working woman. I will be a stay-at-home wife and mother. My life will look much like a pilgrim woman's life looked like."

Then I had babies... and the actual need to support a family took over. Somehow... the Lord made Josh and I into successful wedding photographers in the wedding capital of Canada... and I LOVED our work and I was so excited to be able to provide for our family doing what I loved. And it was good.

Somewhere in the midst of it all I did lose sight of what actually mattered in life. I was so intent on "making it work", and becoming successful... it began to take over my life. The sweetness became an idol. When you allow one area to dominate your entire life... it is easy to lose sight of what we wanted in life... what we truly and actually want.

So my relationship with God suffered. My relationship with my kids suffered. Basically anything not related to photography suffered. Thankfully, the Lord was able to keep Josh and I close through it all.

This Spring I realized that I needed to refocus my life... re-prioritize, if you will. I've always struggled with issues with anxiety, but it was getting worse and not better and I wasn't sure why. In my attempts to fix this I realized:

1-I'm sustained by Christ alone... and I need to feed on His word daily (ie read the Bible) and spend time with Him constantly (ie let prayer become a lifestyle).

2-My husband needed a wife more than a business partner... and he was very capable of providing for me.

3-My kids needed their mama... more than they needed me to focus on providing for them with 200% of my being.

4-I am more fulfilled by serving others than serving myself... and obsessing over my business.

So, in my attempts to solve my anxiety problems, I learned that I absolutely must refocus, and change my lifestyle... and with a little help from my medical doctor... I've seen a huge transformation.

Our lives aren't truly meant to be self-focused. We are not called to a life of self-service. We cannot live a rich and full life when all our hopes and dreams are focused inward.

My life has changed in 4 pretty dramatic ways in the past month, and I am feeling energized and excited about this! I've learned that a life of service to others is the best way.

1-My first priority every day is feeding my soul before I feed my body. With my cup of coffee, I spend time reading the Bible. I've noticed a dramatic change in my mood. And on days when I, for whatever reason, don't get to spend time in my Bible and in prayer... my day goes south quickly. I have learned so much about the Lord, and my relationship with Him has drastically changed. Prayer has become like breathing... I'm just in a constant conversation with my Father.

2-I've taken over the laundry, which has been Josh's duty for years and years (he worked at a dry cleaners, so he's pretty great at laundering things...), as well as picking up Ellie from school 95% of the time, and letting Josh get his solid 8 hours of work in daily with minimal interruptions... and with that, I have relinquished some of my duties within our business over to Josh.

And while I haven't been perfect at all of these things, Josh told me he feels much more cared for.

3-I'm focused on spending quality time with our kids... making muffins... being outside with them while they ride their bikes... making Ellie's reading homework a big priority... reading through the Chronicles of Narnia at bedtime every night.

4-I am free to serve our young adults at Christ Church Kelowna, as I feed them every Thursday night, and spend time talking them through their life-issues in a mentoring/older-friend kind of way. And I'm looking for more ways I can SERVE my church. A gigantic passion of mine.

My hope today is that we will all find ways that we can serve others, and make our lives less about the "me" and more about God and more about others.

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