I don't write because I don't think I have anything brilliant to say. I don't create because I don't think I will make the greatest piece of artwork ever made.
And I did not write this because its brilliant (it most definitely is not), but because writing has a kind of therapeutic value for me.
I always felt like I had something to say before, but I'm in a new stage of life... a stage where I know very little about anything.
You can always know that your life is going to change dramatically whenever you get to a point where you think you have things figured out. You think you have the puzzle pieces that make everything make sense.
I remember wanting this. Desiring to be a wife and stay at home mom so badly. I remember my sister saying something like, "Shouldn't you aspire to be something greater?" I was so mad.
So now this is my life. Its funny how 10 years changes you as a person. How different I am now from when I was 17 and in high school, just wanting to be married and have babies and take care of a home. My life now is exactly the way I wanted it to be when I was 17, but how much I had to wade through to get here.
I went to art school. I became a "liberated mind", and by that I mean, I let the desire to be a housewife fade away, and desired to be something greater. To be a great artist. To be a great writer. I even thought I wouldn't mind having reversed roles in marriage. Perhaps my husband would stay at home with the babies and I would be out there, where life happens, creating and starting the conversation, not merely standing on the side lines and listening to the conversations about art, about politics, about life.
And the strange thing is what I had wanted so badly, to be "out there where life happens", is exactly where I am now. Life happens at every moment. Its always happening.
I had a friend that once said, "I just want my life to start." And by that she meant she wanted to be married, have babies, and that would begin her life. To some they think that, "Life will begin" as soon as this debt is paid off, or they land the excellent job as the curator at the Museum.
Life is happening. Life is happening wherever you are and whatever you are doing. The mentality of "waiting for life to happen" could very well let you miss out on your whole life.
Life is happening as I help my baby to sleep at 3AM when I don't want to be awake.
Life is happening when I take her out into the garden to plant flowers.
Life is happening when I laugh so hard because my precious little one is laughing for one of the very first times.
Life is happening when I struggle to get dinner made, and entertain a grumpy baby, and wait for my husband to get home from his 11.5 hour work day.
Life is happening when instead of getting to "hang out" with the love of my life, I stand and do dishes while he tries to catch the last few minutes of daylight to get some yard work done before we go to sleep.
And yet, I have this feeling somewhere deep inside that I am not worth much unless I have something worthwhile to say, to write, to create. Something that people will appreciate. Why is it that we need the approval of everyone?
As I struggle to help Ellie to do something as simple as take a nap, I realize that this baby needs me. She is not independent. She isn't trying to control me. She simply needs me to help her learn that its best for her to get some rest. It is nice to be loved like that. It makes 3AM awake with a sleepy baby easier.
And I begin to realize that 3AM-4AM, as difficult at is it, and as much rest as I am not going to get to do it all over again the next day, as I am helping Ellie to sleep, that life is happening. I may be exhausted, but I'm helping this little girl be whomever she is going to be.
So whether I write something that hundreds of thousands of people read and toss out the next day, or whether I create the most amazing series of art work that changes art history forever, or if all I do is spend time loving, correcting, and guiding my little Ellie Lou, I am doing amazing things. Life is happening. My heart is full.
I think I will take up creating again. When I was in high school, I had this idea in the sticky, dank art room that I wanted to go to university to become an artist who would teach art. But mostly I wanted to be an artist. I was reminded a few months ago that I wanted to become an artist who would never show their work to anybody, because, of course, the art work I was making was only for me, and for no one else (a view that is funny to me now, and I did grow out of, obviously). But isn't that exactly what I need to do? That is why we create in the first place. For me, it helps me understand what's going on in life, the things I value. It helps us to get where we are going.
And I did not write this because its brilliant (it most definitely is not), but because writing has a kind of therapeutic value for me.
I always felt like I had something to say before, but I'm in a new stage of life... a stage where I know very little about anything.
You can always know that your life is going to change dramatically whenever you get to a point where you think you have things figured out. You think you have the puzzle pieces that make everything make sense.
I remember wanting this. Desiring to be a wife and stay at home mom so badly. I remember my sister saying something like, "Shouldn't you aspire to be something greater?" I was so mad.
So now this is my life. Its funny how 10 years changes you as a person. How different I am now from when I was 17 and in high school, just wanting to be married and have babies and take care of a home. My life now is exactly the way I wanted it to be when I was 17, but how much I had to wade through to get here.
I went to art school. I became a "liberated mind", and by that I mean, I let the desire to be a housewife fade away, and desired to be something greater. To be a great artist. To be a great writer. I even thought I wouldn't mind having reversed roles in marriage. Perhaps my husband would stay at home with the babies and I would be out there, where life happens, creating and starting the conversation, not merely standing on the side lines and listening to the conversations about art, about politics, about life.
And the strange thing is what I had wanted so badly, to be "out there where life happens", is exactly where I am now. Life happens at every moment. Its always happening.
I had a friend that once said, "I just want my life to start." And by that she meant she wanted to be married, have babies, and that would begin her life. To some they think that, "Life will begin" as soon as this debt is paid off, or they land the excellent job as the curator at the Museum.
Life is happening. Life is happening wherever you are and whatever you are doing. The mentality of "waiting for life to happen" could very well let you miss out on your whole life.
Life is happening as I help my baby to sleep at 3AM when I don't want to be awake.
Life is happening when I take her out into the garden to plant flowers.
Life is happening when I laugh so hard because my precious little one is laughing for one of the very first times.
Life is happening when I struggle to get dinner made, and entertain a grumpy baby, and wait for my husband to get home from his 11.5 hour work day.
Life is happening when instead of getting to "hang out" with the love of my life, I stand and do dishes while he tries to catch the last few minutes of daylight to get some yard work done before we go to sleep.
And yet, I have this feeling somewhere deep inside that I am not worth much unless I have something worthwhile to say, to write, to create. Something that people will appreciate. Why is it that we need the approval of everyone?
As I struggle to help Ellie to do something as simple as take a nap, I realize that this baby needs me. She is not independent. She isn't trying to control me. She simply needs me to help her learn that its best for her to get some rest. It is nice to be loved like that. It makes 3AM awake with a sleepy baby easier.
And I begin to realize that 3AM-4AM, as difficult at is it, and as much rest as I am not going to get to do it all over again the next day, as I am helping Ellie to sleep, that life is happening. I may be exhausted, but I'm helping this little girl be whomever she is going to be.
So whether I write something that hundreds of thousands of people read and toss out the next day, or whether I create the most amazing series of art work that changes art history forever, or if all I do is spend time loving, correcting, and guiding my little Ellie Lou, I am doing amazing things. Life is happening. My heart is full.
I think I will take up creating again. When I was in high school, I had this idea in the sticky, dank art room that I wanted to go to university to become an artist who would teach art. But mostly I wanted to be an artist. I was reminded a few months ago that I wanted to become an artist who would never show their work to anybody, because, of course, the art work I was making was only for me, and for no one else (a view that is funny to me now, and I did grow out of, obviously). But isn't that exactly what I need to do? That is why we create in the first place. For me, it helps me understand what's going on in life, the things I value. It helps us to get where we are going.
1 You said "to University" you are so Canadian!
ReplyDelete2 I think while we go through seasons in which our knowledge and wisdom of that life stage is less than our collection of the life stage before, we should still share our thoughts with those around us(especially in blog form if you're a good writer like you and your husband). For though you my feel like a Sophomore, your trails and wisdom in that stage are still wondrously interesting to us freshman like myself. I took great wisdom in this blog in the most unthinkable way you'd never be able to imagine. While I love to learn from the Seniors(Good, strong, godly people in the 50s and up) and learn from Juniors(30-50s). It's the Sophomores(those newly married and newly familied) that I like to watch and observe. Y'all help ground our sometimes crazy expectations of things. Y'all help form healthy realistic views of things to come. So write away dear madame and monsieur.
Jarrot--
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. It is good for me to write, and I am learning that I shouldn't let my pride get in the way of things I love.
So thankful that God never lets us stay where we are, but keeps pushing us out into unknown territory. Life would be incredibly boring if we always stayed at the same stage. So glad we have a loving creator.
"I always felt like I had something to say before, but I'm in a new stage of life... a stage where I know very little about anything."
ReplyDelete-Yep, this is soooo me too.
Loved this.
Thanks, Ashley! Its kind of a difficult stage, isn't it? Love it though.
ReplyDelete