Its Not All Blush and Barbie Dolls

Remember how when you were three years old it really made you feel like your daddy loved you when he let you climb up into his lap and just rest there? Or how you really knew your mommy loved you when she saw you watching her with awe whilst she put her makeup on, and she dabbed just a smidge on your cheeks? As children we saw that our parents loved us when we got a brand new pretty pink dress instead of a hand-me-down, or that brand new Safari Barbie Doll we wanted oh so much. But even then, as children, we did not think about how our parents loved us with everything they did, including the difficult things, like not allowing us to go to that school party that was on Sunday because it was better for us to go to church than to do cool fun things with our friends, or giving us the hand-me-down clothes so they could provide us with other good things like food to eat.

I've been thinking about the love of God a lot for the past few weeks, and how sometimes its a comfortable kind of love like the former, but how often, it looks nothing like what we would expect it to.

God sometimes loves us by having us go through difficult times. I never understood this fully before, and I believe its a lesson I will continue to learn for the rest of my life, but I feel like I'm just now skimming the surface of this deep deep love that the Father has for me that is found not only in the giving of good things like food and shelter and friends, but also in the difficult things like sickness and separation from friends, and uncertainties.

I was in church a few weeks ago, listening to a sermon about the Providence of God. The minister said something that really hit hard, and I've been dwelling on it ever since: we are required to be thankful for all things that we go through because all things are meant for our good. God gives good gifts to his children and that includes the difficulties we go through sometimes. And that got me thinking about how ungrateful I've been towards God, especially in this last year of my life where everything seems uncertain and nothing seems secure. I was not, for instance, praising and thanking God last year for "allowing" me to have to go to the ER with heart trouble 4 times within a few short months. I was also not thankful to have to wait on government red tape and processes so that my husband can work in this new country we've immigrated to.

In fact, being thankful for these things never crossed my mind as something that I should do.

How ungrateful I've been.

It is a difficult thing when life finds you unable to support yourself, living in your parents house after you've been on your own for six years, having to go through heart procedures, and having to wait endlessly on the government to allow your husband to work. Its so easy to get overwhelmed and sad and concerned that nothing will ever be okay again and that you will never get your real life back.  Its so hard to see that these things could in any way be beneficial to you, and are perhaps the Gracious God giving you good things.

After being mugged and robbed, Matthew Henry, a well known bible-commentator from a few centuries ago, wrote in his journal:

I thank Thee first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, and not I who robbed.

This idea has had me thinking for weeks about how I can begin to make my life look more like this. How can I be thankful for having a glitchy electrical system in my heart that caused mine and my husband's life to turn upside down? How can I be thankful for having to live in my parents house for almost the last year? I want to be.

I've felt so stunted in my growth as a woman in this last year, being at my parents house. I've felt almost childish. I am thankful, though. I'm learning to be thankful. My loving Father, my God, has been allowing me to learn to be completely reliant upon Him. To learn that I have nothing apart from him.

I see his love more clearly now. Its nothing like what I imagined it to be. Its a deep deep rooted aching sort of love. I am so thankful for that love. I am so thankful that he allows me to go through difficulties so that I can see Him more clearly and so that I can begin to become the super-woman he is molding me into. I see his love. Its a jealous love that won't allow me to find my peace and comfort anywhere but in Him alone. And in that love I see His face.

Here are some lyrics written by John Mark McMillon that spoke to me today on this rainy, almost chilly day as I sipped my pumpkin spice latte and was thankful for the quiet and routine that Fall brings with it when it comes. McMillon wrote this song after a good friend of his died suddenly and very tragically. I hope you get a real sense about the love of God. I hope you feel it. Enjoy:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

Yea He loves us
Oh how

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

He loves us